2025-09-19 – News – www.theguardian.com
Masculine adequacy is a curse, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. Beyond assuring him he meets the standard, could you help him to see the standard doesn’t matter?
My boyfriend sees sex as a competition he is losing. He feels like he doesn’t perform enough (he does) and worries he isn’t big enough (he is!).
He grew up without a father – the father’s fault – and I wonder if this has something to do with it. How can I assist him to see sex as non-competitive? I love him, and I find this self-loathing distressing.
Eleanor says: I assume he doesn’t think he’s losing the competition with you, somehow, but with imagined manly foes, comparisons, symbols of everything he (imagines he) isn’t?
